As it turns out, I made the decision to go on the lowest dose possible of medication to get me out of the "pit" that I was in, so I could think clearly again and be in a place where I could deal with things that needed to be dealt with. Once my hormones leveled out I felt MUCH better. Nursing got better too. My baby remained on the smaller side and continued to go down on the charts, but I decided to let it go and stop worrying about it . He was healthy. He was gaining (even if it wasn't fast or a lot he was still gaining). And he was nursing well. Who would have thought with me having an oversupply and him nursing fairly well he wouldn't gain weight rapidly?! Although I felt great and "let it go", I continued at times to blame myself for his small size. When someone would mention he was petite or talk about their baby and brag on how big he/she was, it would bring all the guilt back again. It took a while to not feel the sting anymore. I didn't go through postpartum depression with my 3rd, and I want to talk about that in another post. But I did have a "hiccup" in the beginning of nursing that was also associated with oversupply. While I was in the middle of it though, I was able to process some of what I went through with the ppd I had been through a couple years prior. My mind stayed clear and I began to understand some of what took me down before (and was attempting to again). Here's something I wrote as I was going through that shaky time, and I've been wanting to share with women:
There is something terrible disconcerting about a baby screaming at a mother's breast. The very thing that is meant to provide comfort, nourishment, life. The mother questions the baby, "What did I eat? What did I do? Are you not hungry? Too hungry? In pain?" All these questions on the surface. But something resounds deeper in the heart of a postpartum mother. "Is there something wrong with ME?" "Do I have what it takes?" "What if my comfort/nourishment is not enough?" Women were created with everything they need to nurture their babies. I don't know why it gets bumpy and sometimes so tough that some give up. Sometimes things beyond a woman's control happen with her body that makes breastfeeding impossible. We're human. Nothing's perfect. But how could something so incredibly natural be so hard at times?! So hard! I think perspective makes a big difference. When a woman starts questioning and doubting herself and her ability, it only gets worse. Bottom line, women have what it takes. We are born with it! We may have to go through a process to figure out exactly what's going on (if a baby is having feeding issues), but we have the grace for that. Don't question your ability as a mother. And don't "blame" it on the baby (I did this many times). He's just being a baby. Nursing is a dance. Listen to and learn to dance with the baby. Step "outside of the box." Talk to other women. And be confident in who you are as a woman!
Have you ever felt similar? I want to hear your thoughts!
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