Naturally, we want to be the best at things. We expect that of ourselves. We imagine in our minds how something is going to go, and many times are disappointed in ourselves (or others) for not meeting expectations. When it comes to birth, every woman I've talked to had a birth that did not line up with the one that had "planned" in their mind. Two of my three births were non-medicated. Zero of my three birth went as I had hoped they would!
When I was pregnant with my first, I was determined to have a natural birth and hired a doula (tried to find a midwife and couldn't) and read books, talked to other women, did whatever I could to gear myself up to have an awesome birth experience and go natural. Well, when I ended up with Pitocin and an epidural, I walked away feeling like a disappointment to myself, and a few others. I had a vaginal birth, the baby and I were healthy, he was beautiful, there were no complications. There was much to be thankful for, and I was. But there was this deep thing inside that I carried around for a while.
About a month after the birth, I was sitting in a rocking chair in my living room (something that happened frequently those days) and it hit me that I had distanced myself from certain others, including God. I hadn't talked with Him in a while, and the reason for it was disclosed as I opened up to Him: "I'm sorry for disappointing you." The tears began to flow. "I know I'm capable of this, and I was supposed to be strong. But I got so weak and gave up. And I didn't depend on your strength. I'm sorry I let you down." And amidst the anguish of my soul, He said something like this: "You didn't let me down! That's not My heart! I'm so proud of you. My heart is for you. You are NOT a disappointment. Look at your baby! You carried him inside for 9 months, your body sustaining him and then birthed him. You are amazing. Your birth was amazing." And then the floodgates of tears opened as I let those words wash away all the disappointment and unrealistic expectations I had of myself.
Expecting mothers, you don't have to prove anything to anyone. You don't have to be anyone's hero. Birth is not a performance. I'm going to say it again because I'm seeing too much pressure and expectation these days: Birth is not a performance! It will probably not go the way you expect. Our bodies are natural and have individual differences and needs and they are not robotic (I'm very thankful for this!). Sometimes birth goes smoothly, and sometimes things come up that are beyond your control. You can and should surround yourself with people who believe in you and will support the type of birth that you want. But give yourself the freedom to readjust your expectations, or let go of them altogether.
And if you're carrying disappointment from a past birth, let it go. You grew a baby in your body. How stunning is that?! In all the exhaustion, morning sickness, body changing and bulging, hormones and mood swings, you made it (or are making it) to the end. The prize is the baby. Don't focus so much on the process that you lose sight of the prize. Don't compare yourself to other women and their birth stories. There is no "gold standard." Do your best, and be confident! Let your story teach you about yourself, and let it show you places in need of healing, or simply releasing. For me, I realized that I feared being a disappointment to myself and others, and I feared being weak. Nothing in my life has been a catalyst for change more than my experiences in birthing and mothering. It matures me and causes me to deal with my stuff, whether I want to or not!
So, take a deep breath, and just let go...
