Pregnancy, relationships, and the pressure of expectations

As a woman approaches the end of her pregnancy, she experiences many surges of hormones, emotions, and thoughts.  The "unknown" is something that is so hard to swallow.  At any moment she could be starting labor, or not.  Labor could take 3 hours, or 3 days.  She has no idea the drastic change that will come from caring for the baby inside of her to constant 24/7 care once he's on the outside (no matter how many births she's had its always an adjustment).  Pregnancy and birth is prime time for women to learn how to "let go."  Its a good time for those who she's in relationship with to let go as well. 

We have to learn to let go too and get rid of any expectations we have of the mother.  Things like: giving us a daily/weekly report of progress, asking us to be with her during the birth, calling us when she goes into labor, having the baby at a time that's convenient for everyone, alerting people in a certain order once the baby is born, freely handing over her baby for us to hold, spending lots of time talking to us after she's gone through a vigorous labor and just wants to be with her baby and little family....  I know this can be hard to hear.  I've been on both sides of this.  On the pregnancy side, at times I gave into the pressure of others and let it get the best of me, and at other times I was able to shut it off and overcome.  And being on the side of the friend/family/support person, I've had unrealistic expectations too.  And I've been disappointed.  And I have focused more on myself and my desires more than the needs of others.  But freely loving means we let go of our expectations of others.   What do our unmet expectations do to a woman who is in this journey?  They make her feel like she needs to perform.  They make her feel like something is "wrong" because she hasn't had the baby yet.  They make her feel like she's not measuring up. They make her feel like she's a disappointment.  And all these things take away from the confidence she needs to walk into labor and mothering with! 

What is a due date?  Its nothing but an estimation!  Rarely do women give birth on their due dates.  I personally think we should go to have a due "time-frame" or something to take the pressure off of women.  And, maybe women should stop sharing their due date with people. 

We take things so personally too.  Just because our close friend doesn't return our phone call doesn't mean she doesn't love us or anything has changed in the relationship!  We must not internalize her lack of interest in the relationship or lack of communication with us.  She's just in the middle of a huge transition and more than anything needs to know that we love her and are there for her.  No matter her shifting emotions and moods.

Pregnant women and new mothers: remember that you don't owe any information to anyone.  Your midwife or doctor needs to hear from you, and you should maintain good communication with them..  And communicate with and draw support from the one who is in this beautifully wild adventure with you.  But don't feel pressure to let everyone know everything that is going on. Don't have an anxiety attack over making sure your call list is in perfect order.  And please, please, please, don't feel pressure to play "pass the baby."  That is another blog post.

Family and friends: this is a great opportunity to show genuine love and support and grow your relationship.  It’s a perfect opportunity to play a role in building up and encouraging.  What do you say to women as they approach or pass their due date?  You tell them you believe in them.  You pray for them.  You offer your support in any form to them (and not be offended if they don’t take it).  You remind them that they are fully capable of giving birth and mothering their baby.  You remind them that women have been doing this for thousands of years and they can do it too.

When Babies Cry....

There is nothing like hearing a baby cry that makes a momma want to bulldoze everything in her path to get to and help her baby before her heart breaks in pieces.  Its in our nature to be unnerved when we hear babies cry, whether she belongs to us or someone else.  We're that way because as women we are nurturers.  We are comforters.  We are peacemakers.  I remember the first time we heard our first baby cry.  Every hour the first night.  We were so sleep deprived and I was exhausted from labor.  I thought it was a cat in the room.  "mmmrrrraaaaawwwwaaa"  I don't think I could mimic the sound, but our little newborn sounded just like a cat in distress!  And what a wonderful feeling I had when I picked him up and spoke softly, "Mommy's here.  Its okay."  And he was quiet in an instant.  He knew my voice from being with me from the inside for 9 months.  He trusted me.  And I discovered what a wonderful gift I had in breasts that nourish, sooth, and comfort a baby!  Nothing can describe the feeling of knowing I could bring instant calmness by cuddling him to my chest and offering what naturally flowed out of me.

But as he grew, the times he cried and wouldn't be comforted.  Oh I almost came unglued every time. "He's crying!  He's going to die!  He's going to go to a therapist when he's 20 and tell her his mother made him feel abandoned!"  The times where he was done nursing and didn't want to latch back on.  And then he wouldn't go to sleep.  And his diaper change didn't change his demeanor.  And he wasn't in pain as far as I knew.  "What's wrong baby?  What am I doing wrong?"  By baby number 3, I realized I really wasn't doing anything wrong. If you are listening and responding to your baby's needs (even though you don't get it right every time), there is no way you can be doing wrong.  I think babies cry to communicate their needs.  And I also think babies just cry.  Some more than others.  And as a mother, I needed to evaluate the reason he was crying and respond accordingly.  But, not be so fearful of a crying baby!  And not freak out and think that his crying was a reflection or judgement on my ability to be a mother.  Bam.  How many of us think that?


Please note:  I understand there are situations where fussy babies have long periods of crying because of physical issues such as reflux, colic, etc.   That cry is definitely distinct and you can tell the baby is in pain.  Those are definitely problems that need to be address by a professional.

Why I Love Midwives

I never knew what a midwife was or how it could be to have one until I was pregnant with my second son.  I had not succeeded at having the natural birth I wanted the first time around, and decided I would do what I could the second time to have one.  I finally found out where the midwives were in Wilmington (that was quite a search) and was able to come under their care.  I was so shocked the first time I had a prenatal appointment with one.  She sat down and talked to me about my personal life and my first birth experience.  She took her time and was gentle with the exams.  When I told her how I wanted a natural delivery, but was a little unsure if I could do it after having the epidural with my first, she reassured me: "Your first birth was just practice.  This time you know what to expect and you can do it." And she never stopped believing in me.  Even after the birth as I looked around at my midwife, the L&D nurse, my doula, and my husband I said (in my over-excited, I just pushed a baby out voice), "We did it!"  My midwife looked at me and said, "No, YOU are the one who did it.  We're amazed at your strength!"  She put it all back on me.  That's what midwives do.  They are there to support and build confidence in mothers to birth their own babies.  AND they have all the medical knowledge necessary should something go wrong. They can do epidurals for women who don't want a natural birth but want the support of a midwife.  The only thing they don't do is surgery.  I had another great experience with the midwife I had with my third.  We decided to have a home birth and so had a midwife who had been doing births for 30+ years, and decided to open a home birth practice.  Every visit I had with her was so much more than a prenatal exam.  It was a "visit."  She became a dear friend to my husband and I.  Once towards the end of my pregnancy I caught 3 infections all at once.  I finally realized I couldn't just get past it on my own with vitamins and water and called her.  I hadn't slept a full night in 3 weeks.  She was genuinely concerned for me and said, "Don't you ever go even a few nights without sleeping again and not call me!  That's what I'm here for!"  She wrote me a prescription (no need to even go to a Urgent Care or whatever) and sent me home, calling and checking on me the next day.  She stalked my Facebook :)  I found this funny, but so appreciated at the same time because she really wanted to make sure I was okay, and she was not merely concerned about my physical needs, but my emotional ones as well.  In knowing that I had suffered PPD after my second pregnancy, she helped me prepare to prevent that the third time (and I didn't have it!).  And her postpartum support was AMAZING.  I tear up thinking about her sitting on a stool in my bedroom, looking me in the eyes and asking, "Melissa, how are you doing?"  And what I heard was so much more than those few words.  I loved how she always respected  and supported my beliefs about God and life, and never pushed her personal ones on me.  She was okay with me just being myself.  So why do I love midwives?  They believe in the natural process of birth and give a woman's body time to bring forth a baby.  And, they believe in WOMEN.