Pregnancy, relationships, and the pressure of expectations

As a woman approaches the end of her pregnancy, she experiences many surges of hormones, emotions, and thoughts.  The "unknown" is something that is so hard to swallow.  At any moment she could be starting labor, or not.  Labor could take 3 hours, or 3 days.  She has no idea the drastic change that will come from caring for the baby inside of her to constant 24/7 care once he's on the outside (no matter how many births she's had its always an adjustment).  Pregnancy and birth is prime time for women to learn how to "let go."  Its a good time for those who she's in relationship with to let go as well. 

We have to learn to let go too and get rid of any expectations we have of the mother.  Things like: giving us a daily/weekly report of progress, asking us to be with her during the birth, calling us when she goes into labor, having the baby at a time that's convenient for everyone, alerting people in a certain order once the baby is born, freely handing over her baby for us to hold, spending lots of time talking to us after she's gone through a vigorous labor and just wants to be with her baby and little family....  I know this can be hard to hear.  I've been on both sides of this.  On the pregnancy side, at times I gave into the pressure of others and let it get the best of me, and at other times I was able to shut it off and overcome.  And being on the side of the friend/family/support person, I've had unrealistic expectations too.  And I've been disappointed.  And I have focused more on myself and my desires more than the needs of others.  But freely loving means we let go of our expectations of others.   What do our unmet expectations do to a woman who is in this journey?  They make her feel like she needs to perform.  They make her feel like something is "wrong" because she hasn't had the baby yet.  They make her feel like she's not measuring up. They make her feel like she's a disappointment.  And all these things take away from the confidence she needs to walk into labor and mothering with! 

What is a due date?  Its nothing but an estimation!  Rarely do women give birth on their due dates.  I personally think we should go to have a due "time-frame" or something to take the pressure off of women.  And, maybe women should stop sharing their due date with people. 

We take things so personally too.  Just because our close friend doesn't return our phone call doesn't mean she doesn't love us or anything has changed in the relationship!  We must not internalize her lack of interest in the relationship or lack of communication with us.  She's just in the middle of a huge transition and more than anything needs to know that we love her and are there for her.  No matter her shifting emotions and moods.

Pregnant women and new mothers: remember that you don't owe any information to anyone.  Your midwife or doctor needs to hear from you, and you should maintain good communication with them..  And communicate with and draw support from the one who is in this beautifully wild adventure with you.  But don't feel pressure to let everyone know everything that is going on. Don't have an anxiety attack over making sure your call list is in perfect order.  And please, please, please, don't feel pressure to play "pass the baby."  That is another blog post.

Family and friends: this is a great opportunity to show genuine love and support and grow your relationship.  It’s a perfect opportunity to play a role in building up and encouraging.  What do you say to women as they approach or pass their due date?  You tell them you believe in them.  You pray for them.  You offer your support in any form to them (and not be offended if they don’t take it).  You remind them that they are fully capable of giving birth and mothering their baby.  You remind them that women have been doing this for thousands of years and they can do it too.