Fighting Negativity

As we are on the threshold of moving out of our house for a week to have our floors refinished, I'm fighting negativity.  I look through the living room at the many saws and hammers and air compressor and say to my 20 month old for the hundredth time "Get away from that!"  This is a new year, new season.  And just when I felt I was beginning the groove for the new year, I found out we'd have to be out of our house for a week.  NO!  That slows or pretty much stops my momentum on things!  And I really wanted us to start out the new year this past weekend resting, enjoying each other, making plans for this new season... but we spent it working.  Why am I not rejoicing in the fact that in a couple weeks we will have gorgeous floors?  Because all I can see is work, inconvenience, break in my momentum, uncomfortability, and lots and lots of money being spent.

In my first post I talked about my Type A personality, well I'm also borderline pessimist.  I don't like labels and being put in a box, and I don't think I'm a Debbie Downer, but I think I have the tendency to see the glass half-empty.  Ouch that's hard to admit.  I love optimists, that's why I married one.  It causes a lot of arguments when we see things differently, but we also are helping each other become more balanced as we age.  I've wished myself to be optimist and tried, but it feels so fake!  Those who know me well know that whatever I feel is written all over my face, even if I'm not saying it!  I actually love that down-to-earthness about myself.  I like people to shoot me straight, and I do the same to others (although I don't know if they like it so much).  And so if I'm thinking and feeling negative on the inside, that's what comes out. In the whole nature/nurture argument, I believe that our attitudes/beliefs/behavior is a product of both.  We are all born with tendencies in personality/disposition, and the environment we grow up in also shapes and directs that.  With negativity, I have both of those strikes against me. I didn't ask for this dispositional pull, but I am responsible for what I do about it.

Something I've learned in life:  Someone always has it worse than you.  Someone always has it better than you.  There are negatives in every season and every moment of life, and there are positives too.  My attitude is not so much determined by my circumstances, but by my perspective of my circumstances. 
When we're single we wish we had someone to share life with.
When we're married, we long to go back to our independence.
Before we have kids, we envy those who do.
When we have kids, we envy the flexibility of those who don't.
When we're pregnant, we just want the baby to come out so we can sleep better and the swelling and morning sickness goes away. 
And when the baby is out, we think about how good we had it when we were pregnant and all the baby's needs were met on the inside, and even if we didn't sleep the greatest, at least we weren't being woken up to tend to the baby.
Before our kids learn to talk, we wish they could just talk and tell us what they want. 
After they can talk, we miss the quietness in our lives and want them to just give us 5 minutes to think.
And so on. 

There are two more things I want to say about all this.  First of all, it is okay to get it out.  All of us need people in our life who we can be real with and vent to about whatever.  I have just a couple people who know my heart and I trust will not judge me when I let it all hang out.  One of them is neither married nor a mother, but she can listen and remind me of the truth when I'm too distracted to see it.  And she can help me navigate through the junk.  And if there is anyone who I don't have to have it all together around its the Lord.  He already knows what's going on in my head anyway, nothing that comes out of my mouth surprises Him!  Nothing I say will change His view of me. I'm free to just let it go with Him. And He is indeed the one who gives me the deep down joy and love and ability to overcome this thing I hate.

Secondly, this is a fight I am winning and will continue to fight.  I used to be so negative (and very openly).  Especially the beginning of my marriage.  Its hard for those who don't have natural tendencies towards negativity to understand, but looking on the "bright side of things" does not come naturally or easy for me.  I have to work at it.  Those who've known me a long time know I've come a long way.  I want to keep changing.  I hate negativity.  I don't enjoy being around people who are always complaining about things. And I know people don't enjoy being around me when I'm like that.  Just ask my husband!

Some weeks I do better than others. Cold weather brings out the worst in me, so its been hard lately.  And when I'm feeling negative I've learned to bite my tongue. I'm reminded that every time I open my mouth, one of two things comes out - life or death.  Our words have the power to encourage those around us, and they also have the power to tear people down. Words have the power to change the countenance of others, even the course of their day.  I've seen this happen time and time again especially with my children, and my husband. 



Its a continual choice.  And though it is hard right now I'm choosing to watch my mouth and get my perspective into check!