The Bella Band Betrayal

We take ourselves way too seriously sometimes.  With life going one hundred miles an hour and feeling the weight of being responsible for little human beings.  That's why I really appreciate the moments in life like I'm about to share with you.  This embarrassing moment has been a well-kept secret for a couple years.  But today I woke up and decided to share it because its rainy outside, I need a good laugh, and I think its time to let it out. 

Okay, here goes.  Deep breath.....

You know those "bella bands?"  A 1st-2nd trimester woman's best friend.  Maybe you could wear it farther into your pregnancy, but I didn't discover them until my third time and came out of my jeans fast, even with the band. Those of you who don't know, its a stretchy band that allows you to wear your normal size jeans unzipped all the way down.  It holds your undone pants up.  You just pull your jeans up as high as you can around your hips, cover the unzipped part with the band, and pull your shirt down over.  Voila!  You still can wear your non-maternity jeans!

I felt amazing with this thing on.  I could wear my favorite "Lucky" brand jeans, feel comfortable from the stretchiness around my belly, and feel like I was looking good.  The bella band was my best friend.  Until the day it betrayed me....

I love to dance.  It makes me feel free and alive.  I am part of a church that has an awesome worship/music component and encourages and gives people the freedom to express themselves during worship through dancing, painting, etc.  So most Sundays, I dance during worship.  The only place where there is space enough is in the front.  So its been a good place for me to let go of caring what others think and just dance my heart out for Jesus.  I danced up until the week I went into labor with my last baby!  Dancing is really good for pregnant women.

Anyway, one particular Sunday, I was wearing my beloved bella band.  Felt like I wanted to dance, so I did.  I really went for it. Spinning, jumping, twirling...  And suddenly I felt a draft!  I realized that, not only was my shirt pulled up over my bulging belly, my bella band had slid up with it as well.  There, in front of the church, with my jeans zipped down all the way.  I don't remember what underwear I had on that day; I hope no one else does either.  So I ran to the bathroom and fixed my pants, and laughed by myself, at myself.  I was mortified but humored at the same time. I doubted anyone had seen me.  Most of the time people keep their eyes clothes anyway, right? I convinced myself that the likelihood of someone watching and seeing it happen had to be low.  I very discretely walked out of the bathroom and back to my seat, to find my husband: speechless with a terrified look on his face.  I didn't have to ask if he had seen it.  "I was about to walk up there and grab you!"  He was more uptight about it than I was!  We laughed about it all afternoon.

In the end, the few I asked didn't see it happen. And if anyone did, they didn't tell me.  I will forever remember that day as my most embarrassing pregnant moment, my most embarrassing moment in church, my most embarrassing moment in front of a large group of people, well, pretty much my most embarrassing moment yet.  And I learned a valuable lesson.  If you are going to dance, do not put your trust in a bella band.  It will let you down.

The Silliest Form of Competition

Competition.  We all have struggled with it at one time or another.  But the silliest struggle with competition I've seen is when we compete about who has it the worst.  Can you guess what the majority of the arguments in my marriage have been about in the past few years?  Finances?  Nope, that may be top in the statistics but in our marriage.  Sex?  Well, maybe its a contender, but again, not like statistics say.  We argue about who has the largest burden to bear.  Who does the most work.  Who had the crappiest day.  I'm just being real here.  If we're going to compete about something, we could at least compete about who has it the best and who had the greatest thing happen in a day! 

Why do we do that as humans?  When someone is frustrated with there season in life, why do we wave ours over their head as if ours is worse?  What ever happened to "rejoice with those who rejoice, and mourn with those who mourn?"  When you were in the end of your pregnancy and not sleeping at night, did you ever share that with someone just to hear them say, "Well wait until the baby comes out, then you won't sleep at all!"  All of us are in different seasons and situations and we cannot compare ourselves to each other because they are all so different!  I am convinced that EVERY season and situation has its challenges, no matter what it is. Singlehood, married with no kids, pregnancy, having a newborn, having more than one kid, stay at home mom, work at home mom, work away from the home mom, single parent, empty-nesters, grandparents, widows... We have to choose to focus on the good in them, or else we'll be depressed and miserable!  But when someone starts complaining about their season, why not just listen and encourage?

For those who share their hard times with others, maybe sometimes we want someone to feel sorry for us (I've been guilty of that).  But I think a lot of the time, we just want to know that someone else hears us.  We want to know someone else sees us in the battle.  We want be real.  At times we ask for advice, encouragement, hope... but its simply nice to know someone is listening.

What would happen if we started acknowledging each other, and speaking life into each other's situations instead of, "Well at least you don't have blah blah blah."  or "Just wait until bleh bleh bleh."  Hey, I've been on both sides so I'm the first to admit it.  Time to put all assumptions, comparisons, and judgment aside.  This life is really not about us.

"Let each of you esteem and look upon and be concerned for not [merely] his own interests, but also each for the interests of others."  Philippians 2:4

Fighting Negativity

As we are on the threshold of moving out of our house for a week to have our floors refinished, I'm fighting negativity.  I look through the living room at the many saws and hammers and air compressor and say to my 20 month old for the hundredth time "Get away from that!"  This is a new year, new season.  And just when I felt I was beginning the groove for the new year, I found out we'd have to be out of our house for a week.  NO!  That slows or pretty much stops my momentum on things!  And I really wanted us to start out the new year this past weekend resting, enjoying each other, making plans for this new season... but we spent it working.  Why am I not rejoicing in the fact that in a couple weeks we will have gorgeous floors?  Because all I can see is work, inconvenience, break in my momentum, uncomfortability, and lots and lots of money being spent.

In my first post I talked about my Type A personality, well I'm also borderline pessimist.  I don't like labels and being put in a box, and I don't think I'm a Debbie Downer, but I think I have the tendency to see the glass half-empty.  Ouch that's hard to admit.  I love optimists, that's why I married one.  It causes a lot of arguments when we see things differently, but we also are helping each other become more balanced as we age.  I've wished myself to be optimist and tried, but it feels so fake!  Those who know me well know that whatever I feel is written all over my face, even if I'm not saying it!  I actually love that down-to-earthness about myself.  I like people to shoot me straight, and I do the same to others (although I don't know if they like it so much).  And so if I'm thinking and feeling negative on the inside, that's what comes out. In the whole nature/nurture argument, I believe that our attitudes/beliefs/behavior is a product of both.  We are all born with tendencies in personality/disposition, and the environment we grow up in also shapes and directs that.  With negativity, I have both of those strikes against me. I didn't ask for this dispositional pull, but I am responsible for what I do about it.

Something I've learned in life:  Someone always has it worse than you.  Someone always has it better than you.  There are negatives in every season and every moment of life, and there are positives too.  My attitude is not so much determined by my circumstances, but by my perspective of my circumstances. 
When we're single we wish we had someone to share life with.
When we're married, we long to go back to our independence.
Before we have kids, we envy those who do.
When we have kids, we envy the flexibility of those who don't.
When we're pregnant, we just want the baby to come out so we can sleep better and the swelling and morning sickness goes away. 
And when the baby is out, we think about how good we had it when we were pregnant and all the baby's needs were met on the inside, and even if we didn't sleep the greatest, at least we weren't being woken up to tend to the baby.
Before our kids learn to talk, we wish they could just talk and tell us what they want. 
After they can talk, we miss the quietness in our lives and want them to just give us 5 minutes to think.
And so on. 

There are two more things I want to say about all this.  First of all, it is okay to get it out.  All of us need people in our life who we can be real with and vent to about whatever.  I have just a couple people who know my heart and I trust will not judge me when I let it all hang out.  One of them is neither married nor a mother, but she can listen and remind me of the truth when I'm too distracted to see it.  And she can help me navigate through the junk.  And if there is anyone who I don't have to have it all together around its the Lord.  He already knows what's going on in my head anyway, nothing that comes out of my mouth surprises Him!  Nothing I say will change His view of me. I'm free to just let it go with Him. And He is indeed the one who gives me the deep down joy and love and ability to overcome this thing I hate.

Secondly, this is a fight I am winning and will continue to fight.  I used to be so negative (and very openly).  Especially the beginning of my marriage.  Its hard for those who don't have natural tendencies towards negativity to understand, but looking on the "bright side of things" does not come naturally or easy for me.  I have to work at it.  Those who've known me a long time know I've come a long way.  I want to keep changing.  I hate negativity.  I don't enjoy being around people who are always complaining about things. And I know people don't enjoy being around me when I'm like that.  Just ask my husband!

Some weeks I do better than others. Cold weather brings out the worst in me, so its been hard lately.  And when I'm feeling negative I've learned to bite my tongue. I'm reminded that every time I open my mouth, one of two things comes out - life or death.  Our words have the power to encourage those around us, and they also have the power to tear people down. Words have the power to change the countenance of others, even the course of their day.  I've seen this happen time and time again especially with my children, and my husband. 



Its a continual choice.  And though it is hard right now I'm choosing to watch my mouth and get my perspective into check!

Seeing Christmas With Fresh Eyes

I remember being pregnant with my firstborn, 6 years ago.  Around Christmas time I was 5 months pregnant and barely had a bump, but I "felt" pregnant.  I had been feeling the small movements of the baby and was treasuring this new awareness of life inside.  Christmas was suddenly so magical, really for the first time since being a child.  I was carrying a baby, and suddenly the scriptures about Jesus' birth took on a whole new meaning.

I was in awe of the faith and strength Mary had, to carry with confidence the child absent of an earthly father.  Engaged to a man, but not married.  A virgin.  Did anyone believe she was a virgin?  Probably not outside of her, Joseph, and her relatives who had gotten the news from an angel! For sure Joseph didn't believe her at first.  I can't imagine the shunning she suffered in that day for carrying a child as a non-married woman.  That was something women were stoned for.  As I sat in my room, reading the story for the hundredth time, I thought about how excited and welcomed my baby was.  By my family, by my friends, by every passerby that noticed the emerging bump...

Then, I kept reading.  Oh that's right, when it came time for her birth, she was traveling.  On a donkey!  She had the nesting urge just like every other woman.  And she couldn't do anything about it.  And when she went into labor, there was no where left for them to go have the baby.  Did her water break?  Did her contractions come suddenly or drag out over several days?  At what point in labor was she when they finally found somewhere to settle and have the baby?  The place of birth: a barn.  As I took all this in at that time in my life, and as I ponder it now, I am overwhelmed with tears.  She wasn't just carrying any baby, she was carrying the Son of God.  She was a human woman like me and you.  She had the same hormones and emotions.  And she gave birth to her son in a stable with animals and animal dung, and no one there to support her except her husband.  I know he was wonderful for her, but that was in the day where women in the extended family would come and support a woman as she was birthing.  She didn't have a veteran mom coaching her along.  No midwife.  No doctor. Who had to clean up the mess?  Birth is messy!  It was Joseph. And what did he use to clean it and where did he get it? 

The Bible doesn't talk much about Mary's feelings and behavior through this whole process.  I'm sure she had some major freak out moments.  Especially traveling on a donkey being pregnant and again postpartum with a nursing baby.  I wonder if she struggled with the baby blues the days, weeks, months after the birth?  Sure she struggled with wanting to do everything perfect as a mother.  Her child was to play the most important role of any man ever born!  But two things stick out to me from the scriptures. 

First off, when she conceived and went to visit her relative Elizabeth who was also pregnant, Elizabeth said the most amazing thing to her.  "Blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of the things that were spoken to her from the Lord."  There's a difference between hearing something, and believing it.  After Elizabeth said that, Mary poured out her heart and adoration of the Lord, that He had chosen her for this!  And she was amazed at the road laid out before her! Secondly, after the birth it reports people finding out and being astounded at the news and that the shepherds had an encounter with an angel who told them where to go to see this baby Savior.  And Mary "was keeping within herself all these things, weighing and pondering them in her heart."  Remember doing that while holding your sleeping newborn baby?  Trying to soak it all in, that this baby that was once growing inside of you is now on the outside.  And you have been given charge to mother a human being who will one day be an adult contributing to society!  Mary was holding the Savior of the world in her arms.  She was chosen to mother him.  I can imagine the mix of amazement and fear.

Isolated from family and friends, with a husband who loved and believed in her, and with her faith in God whom she had heard and trusted, she endured the charge that was laid upon her.  Because she drew her strength from the Source.  So in the season of busyness and gift buying, wrapping, traveling, money spending, and family drama, take a moment to hold your baby (or belly) and recall this to mind.  Read the story with fresh eyes.

Everyone's Hero, or Maybe Not

Naturally, we want to be the best at things.  We expect that of ourselves.  We imagine in our minds how something is going to go, and many times are disappointed in ourselves (or others) for not meeting expectations.  When it comes to birth, every woman I've talked to had a birth that did not line up with the one that had "planned" in their mind.  Two of my three births were non-medicated.  Zero of my three birth went as I had hoped they would!

When I was pregnant with my first, I was determined to have a natural birth and hired a doula (tried to find a midwife and couldn't) and read books, talked to other women, did whatever I could to gear myself up to have an awesome birth experience and go natural.  Well, when I ended up with Pitocin and an epidural, I walked away feeling like a disappointment to myself, and a few others.  I had a vaginal birth, the baby and I were healthy, he was beautiful, there were no complications.  There was much to be thankful for, and I was.  But there was this deep thing inside that I carried around for a while.

About a month after the birth, I was sitting in a rocking chair in my living room (something that happened frequently those days) and it hit me that I had distanced myself from certain others, including God.  I hadn't talked with Him in a while, and the reason for it was disclosed as I opened up to Him: "I'm sorry for disappointing you."  The tears began to flow.  "I know I'm capable of this, and I was supposed to be strong.  But I got so weak and gave up.  And I didn't depend on your strength.  I'm sorry I let you down."  And amidst the anguish of my soul, He said something like this:  "You didn't let me down!  That's not My heart!  I'm so proud of you.  My heart is for you.  You are NOT a disappointment.  Look at your baby!  You carried him inside for 9 months, your body sustaining him and then birthed him.  You are amazing.  Your birth was amazing."  And then the floodgates of tears opened as I let those words wash away all the disappointment and unrealistic expectations I had of myself.

Expecting mothers, you don't have to prove anything to anyone.  You don't have to be anyone's hero. Birth is not a performance.  I'm going to say it again because I'm seeing too much pressure and expectation these days:  Birth is not a performance!  It will probably not go the way you expect.  Our bodies are natural and have individual differences and needs and they are not robotic (I'm very thankful for this!).  Sometimes birth goes smoothly, and sometimes things come up that are beyond your control.  You can and should surround yourself with people who believe in you and will support the type of birth that you want.  But give yourself the freedom to readjust your expectations, or let go of them altogether. 

And if you're carrying disappointment from a past birth, let it go.  You grew a baby in your body.  How stunning is that?!   In all the exhaustion, morning sickness, body changing and bulging, hormones and mood swings, you made it (or are making it) to the end.  The prize is the baby.  Don't focus so much on the process that you lose sight of the prize.  Don't compare yourself to other women and their birth stories.  There is no "gold standard."  Do your best, and be confident!  Let your story teach you about yourself, and let it show you places in need of healing, or simply releasing.  For me, I realized that I feared being a disappointment to myself and others, and I feared being weak.  Nothing in my life has been a catalyst for change more than my experiences in birthing and mothering.  It matures me and causes me to deal with my stuff, whether I want to or not! 

So, take a deep breath, and just let go...

Pregnancy, relationships, and the pressure of expectations

As a woman approaches the end of her pregnancy, she experiences many surges of hormones, emotions, and thoughts.  The "unknown" is something that is so hard to swallow.  At any moment she could be starting labor, or not.  Labor could take 3 hours, or 3 days.  She has no idea the drastic change that will come from caring for the baby inside of her to constant 24/7 care once he's on the outside (no matter how many births she's had its always an adjustment).  Pregnancy and birth is prime time for women to learn how to "let go."  Its a good time for those who she's in relationship with to let go as well. 

We have to learn to let go too and get rid of any expectations we have of the mother.  Things like: giving us a daily/weekly report of progress, asking us to be with her during the birth, calling us when she goes into labor, having the baby at a time that's convenient for everyone, alerting people in a certain order once the baby is born, freely handing over her baby for us to hold, spending lots of time talking to us after she's gone through a vigorous labor and just wants to be with her baby and little family....  I know this can be hard to hear.  I've been on both sides of this.  On the pregnancy side, at times I gave into the pressure of others and let it get the best of me, and at other times I was able to shut it off and overcome.  And being on the side of the friend/family/support person, I've had unrealistic expectations too.  And I've been disappointed.  And I have focused more on myself and my desires more than the needs of others.  But freely loving means we let go of our expectations of others.   What do our unmet expectations do to a woman who is in this journey?  They make her feel like she needs to perform.  They make her feel like something is "wrong" because she hasn't had the baby yet.  They make her feel like she's not measuring up. They make her feel like she's a disappointment.  And all these things take away from the confidence she needs to walk into labor and mothering with! 

What is a due date?  Its nothing but an estimation!  Rarely do women give birth on their due dates.  I personally think we should go to have a due "time-frame" or something to take the pressure off of women.  And, maybe women should stop sharing their due date with people. 

We take things so personally too.  Just because our close friend doesn't return our phone call doesn't mean she doesn't love us or anything has changed in the relationship!  We must not internalize her lack of interest in the relationship or lack of communication with us.  She's just in the middle of a huge transition and more than anything needs to know that we love her and are there for her.  No matter her shifting emotions and moods.

Pregnant women and new mothers: remember that you don't owe any information to anyone.  Your midwife or doctor needs to hear from you, and you should maintain good communication with them..  And communicate with and draw support from the one who is in this beautifully wild adventure with you.  But don't feel pressure to let everyone know everything that is going on. Don't have an anxiety attack over making sure your call list is in perfect order.  And please, please, please, don't feel pressure to play "pass the baby."  That is another blog post.

Family and friends: this is a great opportunity to show genuine love and support and grow your relationship.  It’s a perfect opportunity to play a role in building up and encouraging.  What do you say to women as they approach or pass their due date?  You tell them you believe in them.  You pray for them.  You offer your support in any form to them (and not be offended if they don’t take it).  You remind them that they are fully capable of giving birth and mothering their baby.  You remind them that women have been doing this for thousands of years and they can do it too.

When Babies Cry....

There is nothing like hearing a baby cry that makes a momma want to bulldoze everything in her path to get to and help her baby before her heart breaks in pieces.  Its in our nature to be unnerved when we hear babies cry, whether she belongs to us or someone else.  We're that way because as women we are nurturers.  We are comforters.  We are peacemakers.  I remember the first time we heard our first baby cry.  Every hour the first night.  We were so sleep deprived and I was exhausted from labor.  I thought it was a cat in the room.  "mmmrrrraaaaawwwwaaa"  I don't think I could mimic the sound, but our little newborn sounded just like a cat in distress!  And what a wonderful feeling I had when I picked him up and spoke softly, "Mommy's here.  Its okay."  And he was quiet in an instant.  He knew my voice from being with me from the inside for 9 months.  He trusted me.  And I discovered what a wonderful gift I had in breasts that nourish, sooth, and comfort a baby!  Nothing can describe the feeling of knowing I could bring instant calmness by cuddling him to my chest and offering what naturally flowed out of me.

But as he grew, the times he cried and wouldn't be comforted.  Oh I almost came unglued every time. "He's crying!  He's going to die!  He's going to go to a therapist when he's 20 and tell her his mother made him feel abandoned!"  The times where he was done nursing and didn't want to latch back on.  And then he wouldn't go to sleep.  And his diaper change didn't change his demeanor.  And he wasn't in pain as far as I knew.  "What's wrong baby?  What am I doing wrong?"  By baby number 3, I realized I really wasn't doing anything wrong. If you are listening and responding to your baby's needs (even though you don't get it right every time), there is no way you can be doing wrong.  I think babies cry to communicate their needs.  And I also think babies just cry.  Some more than others.  And as a mother, I needed to evaluate the reason he was crying and respond accordingly.  But, not be so fearful of a crying baby!  And not freak out and think that his crying was a reflection or judgement on my ability to be a mother.  Bam.  How many of us think that?


Please note:  I understand there are situations where fussy babies have long periods of crying because of physical issues such as reflux, colic, etc.   That cry is definitely distinct and you can tell the baby is in pain.  Those are definitely problems that need to be address by a professional.