When Babies Cry....

There is nothing like hearing a baby cry that makes a momma want to bulldoze everything in her path to get to and help her baby before her heart breaks in pieces.  Its in our nature to be unnerved when we hear babies cry, whether she belongs to us or someone else.  We're that way because as women we are nurturers.  We are comforters.  We are peacemakers.  I remember the first time we heard our first baby cry.  Every hour the first night.  We were so sleep deprived and I was exhausted from labor.  I thought it was a cat in the room.  "mmmrrrraaaaawwwwaaa"  I don't think I could mimic the sound, but our little newborn sounded just like a cat in distress!  And what a wonderful feeling I had when I picked him up and spoke softly, "Mommy's here.  Its okay."  And he was quiet in an instant.  He knew my voice from being with me from the inside for 9 months.  He trusted me.  And I discovered what a wonderful gift I had in breasts that nourish, sooth, and comfort a baby!  Nothing can describe the feeling of knowing I could bring instant calmness by cuddling him to my chest and offering what naturally flowed out of me.

But as he grew, the times he cried and wouldn't be comforted.  Oh I almost came unglued every time. "He's crying!  He's going to die!  He's going to go to a therapist when he's 20 and tell her his mother made him feel abandoned!"  The times where he was done nursing and didn't want to latch back on.  And then he wouldn't go to sleep.  And his diaper change didn't change his demeanor.  And he wasn't in pain as far as I knew.  "What's wrong baby?  What am I doing wrong?"  By baby number 3, I realized I really wasn't doing anything wrong. If you are listening and responding to your baby's needs (even though you don't get it right every time), there is no way you can be doing wrong.  I think babies cry to communicate their needs.  And I also think babies just cry.  Some more than others.  And as a mother, I needed to evaluate the reason he was crying and respond accordingly.  But, not be so fearful of a crying baby!  And not freak out and think that his crying was a reflection or judgement on my ability to be a mother.  Bam.  How many of us think that?


Please note:  I understand there are situations where fussy babies have long periods of crying because of physical issues such as reflux, colic, etc.   That cry is definitely distinct and you can tell the baby is in pain.  Those are definitely problems that need to be address by a professional.

When we question ourselves as mothers....

As it turns out, I made the decision to go on the lowest dose possible of medication to get me out of the "pit" that I was in, so I could think clearly again and be in a place where I could deal with things that needed to be dealt with.  Once my hormones leveled out I felt MUCH better.  Nursing got better too.  My baby remained on the smaller side and continued to go down on the charts, but I decided to let it go and stop worrying about it .  He was healthy.  He was gaining (even if it wasn't fast or a lot he was still gaining).  And he was nursing well.  Who would have thought with me having an oversupply and him nursing fairly well he wouldn't gain weight rapidly?! Although I felt great and "let it go", I continued at times to blame myself for his small size.  When someone would mention he was petite or talk about their baby and brag on how big he/she was, it would bring all the guilt back again.  It took a while to not feel the sting anymore.  I didn't go through postpartum depression with my 3rd, and I want to talk about that in another post.  But I did have a "hiccup" in the beginning of nursing that was also associated with oversupply.  While I was in the middle of it though, I was able to process some of what I went through with the ppd I had been through a couple years prior. My mind stayed clear and I began to understand some of what took me down before (and was attempting to again).  Here's something I wrote as I was going through that shaky time, and I've been wanting to share with women:

There is something terrible disconcerting about a baby screaming at a mother's breast.  The very thing that is meant to provide comfort, nourishment, life.  The mother questions the baby, "What did I eat?  What did I do?  Are you not hungry?  Too hungry?  In pain?"  All these questions on the surface.  But something resounds deeper in the heart of a postpartum mother.  "Is there something wrong with ME?"  "Do I have what it takes?"  "What if my comfort/nourishment is not enough?"  Women were created with everything they need to nurture their babies.  I don't know why it gets bumpy and sometimes so tough that some give up.  Sometimes things beyond a woman's control happen with her body that makes breastfeeding impossible.  We're human.  Nothing's perfect.  But how could something so incredibly natural be so hard at times?!  So hard!  I think perspective makes a big difference.  When a woman starts questioning and doubting herself and her ability, it only gets worse.  Bottom line, women have what it takes. We are born with it!  We may have to go through a process to figure out exactly what's going on (if a baby is having feeding issues), but we have the grace for that.  Don't question your ability as a mother.  And don't "blame" it on the baby (I did this many times).  He's just being a baby.  Nursing is a dance.  Listen to and learn to dance with the baby.  Step "outside of the box." Talk to other women.  And be confident in who you are as a woman!

Have you ever felt similar?  I want to hear your thoughts!

The downward spiral

I don't even know where to start.  Forgive me if I jump around with this topic and the blog, the only way my writing comes out naturally is if it comes from my heart.  So it may seem a bit jumbled or out of order sometimes.  Around 2 months of age, the sweet chunky baby who had been doing so well gaining weight and nursing suddenly started having issues in those areas.  I'm not sure which came first, me beginning depression or his nursing troubles.  But one fed the other and so the downward spiral began.  I had issues with oversupply, which I did many things to try to help.  Even still my baby was not content nursing.  He would start off fine and then pull off after a couple minutes and scream once I tried to put him back. I researched tirelessly trying to figure out what was wrong and how to fix it.  This became my obsession.   I cut out dairy, as well as other foods I thought could be the problem.  I lost interest for eating period because everything I enjoyed I couldn't eat, so one week I just sort of stopped eating for a couple days....  I lost 5 pounds in one week (after being back at my pre-pregnancy size).   I didn't want to go anywhere, I didn't want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to figure out what I could do to feed my baby and give him what he needed.  I had anxiety upon each feeding, and cried every time he repeated his pulling away crying.  I felt hopeless.  Each doctor visit and hearing he was "slow-weight gain."  Yet the doctor was encouraging to me.  We thought he might have reflux and tried medication for that.  Didn't really change the way he nursed or gained.  I was beating myself up.  I kept telling myself it was all my fault and there was something else I could learn or do or figure out to fix it.  After all of this, I think I was so confused and had lost all confidence in my ability as a mother to meet my baby's needs. And then there was my firstborn who needed so much of my time and attention, and much more than I was giving or could give him.  I could see the sadness in his eyes every time I wrestled through yet another feeding with the baby. Feedings would most of the time take an hour.  I tried a bottle and prayed that he would drink from it.  He never took one.  I remember one particularly bad day when I was walking around trying to feed him, my firstborn came over to me (only 2 1/2 years old at the time) and said, "Mommy, he's okay. "  I knew my son was speaking the words he had heard the Lord speak about the baby (I love it when He uses my kids to speak to me).  It seemed to break the heaviness and confusion, even if for a brief moment.  I lived life like this without realizing what was going on for 5 or 6 weeks.  When a mother figure in my life sat me down and said, "Melissa, lets talk about this.  I think you may be experiencing some depression" I finally realized I had been crying every day, dreading every day, surviving through every day.  It took her together with my husband to finally recognize and accept it.  Then, of course I felt like it was my fault I had depression and there was something I had done wrong or could have done differently.  But, I finally came to grips with the fact that it wasn't so much about what was "wrong with my baby"  - I needed help.