Seeing Christmas With Fresh Eyes

I remember being pregnant with my firstborn, 6 years ago.  Around Christmas time I was 5 months pregnant and barely had a bump, but I "felt" pregnant.  I had been feeling the small movements of the baby and was treasuring this new awareness of life inside.  Christmas was suddenly so magical, really for the first time since being a child.  I was carrying a baby, and suddenly the scriptures about Jesus' birth took on a whole new meaning.

I was in awe of the faith and strength Mary had, to carry with confidence the child absent of an earthly father.  Engaged to a man, but not married.  A virgin.  Did anyone believe she was a virgin?  Probably not outside of her, Joseph, and her relatives who had gotten the news from an angel! For sure Joseph didn't believe her at first.  I can't imagine the shunning she suffered in that day for carrying a child as a non-married woman.  That was something women were stoned for.  As I sat in my room, reading the story for the hundredth time, I thought about how excited and welcomed my baby was.  By my family, by my friends, by every passerby that noticed the emerging bump...

Then, I kept reading.  Oh that's right, when it came time for her birth, she was traveling.  On a donkey!  She had the nesting urge just like every other woman.  And she couldn't do anything about it.  And when she went into labor, there was no where left for them to go have the baby.  Did her water break?  Did her contractions come suddenly or drag out over several days?  At what point in labor was she when they finally found somewhere to settle and have the baby?  The place of birth: a barn.  As I took all this in at that time in my life, and as I ponder it now, I am overwhelmed with tears.  She wasn't just carrying any baby, she was carrying the Son of God.  She was a human woman like me and you.  She had the same hormones and emotions.  And she gave birth to her son in a stable with animals and animal dung, and no one there to support her except her husband.  I know he was wonderful for her, but that was in the day where women in the extended family would come and support a woman as she was birthing.  She didn't have a veteran mom coaching her along.  No midwife.  No doctor. Who had to clean up the mess?  Birth is messy!  It was Joseph. And what did he use to clean it and where did he get it? 

The Bible doesn't talk much about Mary's feelings and behavior through this whole process.  I'm sure she had some major freak out moments.  Especially traveling on a donkey being pregnant and again postpartum with a nursing baby.  I wonder if she struggled with the baby blues the days, weeks, months after the birth?  Sure she struggled with wanting to do everything perfect as a mother.  Her child was to play the most important role of any man ever born!  But two things stick out to me from the scriptures. 

First off, when she conceived and went to visit her relative Elizabeth who was also pregnant, Elizabeth said the most amazing thing to her.  "Blessed is she who believed that there would be a fulfillment of the things that were spoken to her from the Lord."  There's a difference between hearing something, and believing it.  After Elizabeth said that, Mary poured out her heart and adoration of the Lord, that He had chosen her for this!  And she was amazed at the road laid out before her! Secondly, after the birth it reports people finding out and being astounded at the news and that the shepherds had an encounter with an angel who told them where to go to see this baby Savior.  And Mary "was keeping within herself all these things, weighing and pondering them in her heart."  Remember doing that while holding your sleeping newborn baby?  Trying to soak it all in, that this baby that was once growing inside of you is now on the outside.  And you have been given charge to mother a human being who will one day be an adult contributing to society!  Mary was holding the Savior of the world in her arms.  She was chosen to mother him.  I can imagine the mix of amazement and fear.

Isolated from family and friends, with a husband who loved and believed in her, and with her faith in God whom she had heard and trusted, she endured the charge that was laid upon her.  Because she drew her strength from the Source.  So in the season of busyness and gift buying, wrapping, traveling, money spending, and family drama, take a moment to hold your baby (or belly) and recall this to mind.  Read the story with fresh eyes.

Pregnancy, relationships, and the pressure of expectations

As a woman approaches the end of her pregnancy, she experiences many surges of hormones, emotions, and thoughts.  The "unknown" is something that is so hard to swallow.  At any moment she could be starting labor, or not.  Labor could take 3 hours, or 3 days.  She has no idea the drastic change that will come from caring for the baby inside of her to constant 24/7 care once he's on the outside (no matter how many births she's had its always an adjustment).  Pregnancy and birth is prime time for women to learn how to "let go."  Its a good time for those who she's in relationship with to let go as well. 

We have to learn to let go too and get rid of any expectations we have of the mother.  Things like: giving us a daily/weekly report of progress, asking us to be with her during the birth, calling us when she goes into labor, having the baby at a time that's convenient for everyone, alerting people in a certain order once the baby is born, freely handing over her baby for us to hold, spending lots of time talking to us after she's gone through a vigorous labor and just wants to be with her baby and little family....  I know this can be hard to hear.  I've been on both sides of this.  On the pregnancy side, at times I gave into the pressure of others and let it get the best of me, and at other times I was able to shut it off and overcome.  And being on the side of the friend/family/support person, I've had unrealistic expectations too.  And I've been disappointed.  And I have focused more on myself and my desires more than the needs of others.  But freely loving means we let go of our expectations of others.   What do our unmet expectations do to a woman who is in this journey?  They make her feel like she needs to perform.  They make her feel like something is "wrong" because she hasn't had the baby yet.  They make her feel like she's not measuring up. They make her feel like she's a disappointment.  And all these things take away from the confidence she needs to walk into labor and mothering with! 

What is a due date?  Its nothing but an estimation!  Rarely do women give birth on their due dates.  I personally think we should go to have a due "time-frame" or something to take the pressure off of women.  And, maybe women should stop sharing their due date with people. 

We take things so personally too.  Just because our close friend doesn't return our phone call doesn't mean she doesn't love us or anything has changed in the relationship!  We must not internalize her lack of interest in the relationship or lack of communication with us.  She's just in the middle of a huge transition and more than anything needs to know that we love her and are there for her.  No matter her shifting emotions and moods.

Pregnant women and new mothers: remember that you don't owe any information to anyone.  Your midwife or doctor needs to hear from you, and you should maintain good communication with them..  And communicate with and draw support from the one who is in this beautifully wild adventure with you.  But don't feel pressure to let everyone know everything that is going on. Don't have an anxiety attack over making sure your call list is in perfect order.  And please, please, please, don't feel pressure to play "pass the baby."  That is another blog post.

Family and friends: this is a great opportunity to show genuine love and support and grow your relationship.  It’s a perfect opportunity to play a role in building up and encouraging.  What do you say to women as they approach or pass their due date?  You tell them you believe in them.  You pray for them.  You offer your support in any form to them (and not be offended if they don’t take it).  You remind them that they are fully capable of giving birth and mothering their baby.  You remind them that women have been doing this for thousands of years and they can do it too.

You're Worth It

Early Tuesday morning (like 1:45am early) I awoke to a phone call from my sister.  "I've been having steady contractions for a little while now.  They're starting to hurt, and they've changed in feeling and intensity from the ones I've had the past few weeks."  We talked more, she called her midwife, and concluded that she needed to go in and get checked out.  Being 2 1/2 hours out and knowing my sister's first labor was short (for a first labor), I decided to get my things packed and go on.  When I was almost there, I got the report.  "I'm ONLY 2 centimeters."  I could hear the disappointment and frustration in her voice.  "It was like a slap in the face."  I arrived at the birth center about 5am, and slept on the couch for half an hour or so.  Midwife checked her out a couple hours later, and a little progression but not enough for her to stay.  It could be 24 hours, it could be 48 hours...  I ended up coming back to Wilmington midday and time went by.  When I talked with my sister that night, she was feeling better about things, but still feeling heavy and confused and disappointed in her body, and somewhat shameful to those who stepped in to help.  First of all, we cannot control the process of birth (well not if we want to trust our bodies and let it happen naturally).  Birth is not a performance.  There is nothing to prove to anyone.  I reminded my sister to shake off any pressure she felt because it was not healthy and all of us supported her and the timing, whatever it was.  You see, not only did I have to drive 2 1/2 hours for the birth, the grandmother drove a distance to watch big brother, and my parents met my husband on the road (1 hour each way for both of them) to watch our children.  It took a lot of people making sacrifices to get ready for the birth.  Thursday morning, I received a call at 5am, and it was time.  I left after finishing breakfast with the kids and everyone got back into place again.  I made it to the birth center an hour before my niece was born, and loved every second I had to support my sister during the birth and after.  Most of us have a hard time asking for help.  Especially when people go out of their way, or its inconvenient to them.  Where did we learn that we're not worth the sacrifices of others?  Who told us we were an inconvenience?  Because its simply not true.  Birth is never "convenient."  Its unpredictable and sometimes labor starts and stops and always varies in the amount of time it takes.  Women (and babies), you are worth every sacrifice.  Every midwife that waits, watches, supports all night when she's been awake for a couple days already, because she believes in the natural process of birth. Every doctor that has to leave appointments, family, dinner.  Every nurse that works tireless shifts.  Every parent that watches your older children at home.  Every sister that leaves her family in someone's care and jumps through hoops so she can support you.  Every mother or father that takes off work to come be with you in the birth.  Every friend that receives a text and drops what she's doing to pray.  Every man that stands by your side, supports you, fans you, rubs your back, endures the blood, fluid, placenta, and listens through the "taking care of your swollen vagina" talk.  We are put here on this earth together because we need each other!  We can't do it alone, and the sacrifices we make for each other are absolutely worth it.  Don't forget it.